i want to draw you a floorplan of my head and heart

OPEN'ER!

2009-07-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

As some of the very few people that read this blog may know, last Sunday I attended the last day of the Heineken Open'er Festival. Even though I came back home on a Monday afternoon, the state of exhaustion that I was in kept me from updating this blog for a good few days. It would probably keep me away from it now as well, but since I'm feeling a little bit under the weather, I decided it would be better to remind myself of the great memories from that night than just go back to bed, close my eyes and daydream while listening to City and Colour. But, as I think about it, the ending part of my super-long sentence sounds more attractive...whatever. I'll just get my stuff together and keep on writing. Yeah.

So, let's start from the very beginning. I woke up at 5:25 am, in a suprisingly good mood concerning the super-early hour. Enthusiastingly, I took a quick shower, dressed, dryed my hair, woke up my mum who was going to drive me and Alice to the train station, and packed while eating a sandwich. With a 5 minute delay, we left at 6:30. Soon after getting into our car, my mum realised she's not sure where my friend lives. With the power of texting, Al directed us straight into her neighbourhood, where she's been waiting. She got into the car and we drove away to the train station.
That's when our problems started. Right when we arrived to the station, Alice realised she...left her Open'er ticket at home! With our train ready to leave, my mum lent her the ammount of money she needed for a new one and we got on the train, hoping it would be possible to buy a new one in Gdynia. We also contacted our friend Dorian, who has been attending the festival for all four days. He, being a great friend as he is, got on a bus to the centre of Gdynia and bought the ticket so that Al would be sure that she can in fact attend the whole thing.
We thought that thing would end our trouble with getting there, but actually, it was just the beginning. Around 10:30 the train suddenly...stopped. It turned out that something was wrong with it and we had to wait for some guys to come and fix it O_O. At that moment we were like "Alright...but it won't take long, right? It can't take that long.", but in fact, it did. It took FIVE HOURS. People were getting crazy, some even started drinking. Which led to even more complications.
After all that time sitting in a middle of nowhere, the train started going again. Soon after one of the very drunk passenger started running around the train, shouting and disturbing people. People couldn't get him to stop and we ended up taking another one hour stop, waiting for the police to come and take him. At this point we were about to give up the festival, get out at the nearest station and catch a train home...but thankfully, we didn't.
Even though we were supposed to arrive in Gdynia around 1pm, we arrived at 7:30 pm. Our moods weren't the best at this point, but they got better as we saw our friend Dorian, who came to the station to get us ^_^. After getting on a bus for 30 minutes we arrived to the airport where the festival was taking place. I just gotta say that I don't think I've ever seen so many people in one place, ahahah. From what I've read on the official website, there were about 60 THOUSAND attendants. I'm not even kidding :3.

So, by the time we exchanged our tickets for passes (as in blue wristbands), left our backpacks in Dorian's tent and walked all the way to the main stage, it was around 8 pm and Lily Allen just started preforming. To be honest...we were pretty dissapointed by her. It seemed like she had no contact with the crowd and didn't even care about us. She kept on mentioning Kings Of Leon and how she really wants to see their show. And she smoked a cigarette on stage, which seemed odd to me. I don't know, the way she sung her songs was okay, I guess, but we expected something more. The only song that really caught our attention was "Fuck You" but that's more because of the crowd's reaction - everyone started waving their middle fingers in the air. Imagine such a huge crowd doing that...hahah. Nice view.
Anyway, after Lily's show, Kings Of Leon were meant to come on and as me and Dorian desperately wanted to be in front row (Alice said she'd be saving up energy for her favorite band - Placebo - and she stayed, laying down on the grass and watching KoL on the big screens ^ ^), we ran into the crowd. At first we were pretty much at the front, but on the right site on the stage, but as KoL came on stage, we got separated by the crowd. I don't know where he ended up at, but I got to the second row in the middle of the stage! It was so amazing. Kings Of Leon were. They played for about 1,5 h, which is a lot longer that they were supposed to - it seemed like they were really suprised by the way the crowd welcomed them - Caleb said he thought no one would know who they were, but the crowd was so huge! He also said that it's been one of the best shows of the tour and that they'll come back whenever we want them to. At some point he even joked that they don't feel like leaving and that they'll be playing here tomorrow for the whole day! I wouldn't mind. They're really amazing live and even though I wasn't really obsessed with their music before (I just liked it, I guess), now I definitely am.
When Caleb announced they were going to play the last song, I decided to get away from the crowd and look for Alice, so that we could get in the front together again by the time Placebo was about to come. And so we tried to, but we ended up basically in the middle of the crowd. When the band came on, people literally got crazy and I thought we were about to die! Even though we were surrounded by some huge guys, by the time Placebo started playing the second song, we decided to just..go with the flow basically. I haven't listened to the new album yet and I'm not exactly a die-hard fan of them, but by the time they played "Every You and Every Me" (my favorite song by them!) & "Special K" I felt it couldn't get better. But then they played "Meds" and the whole crowd screaming "Babyyyyyyy, did you forget to take your medsssssssss" felt mind-blowing. I loved the fact that majority of the songs they played were older, so that I could enjoy some of my favorite tracks by them. Oh, and also - I couldn't stop staring at their new drummer - Stevie Forest - WHOA! That guy is just incredible. Overall, it was such a great show, probably just as good as the Kings Of Leon one.

By the time they got down from the stage, after the last encore, we decided to look for Dorian. It was already about 1:30 am and since our train was leaving at 5, we wanted to have our backpacks with us in case we'd get separated again. But as you can imagine, in a crowd of 60 thousand people, it's not the easiest thing to find a 17 year guy in a black t-shirt and glasses. Not to mention both of our cellphones' batteries died. So, we waited for him at the entrance to the campsite (it was so cold!) and around a hour later, we met. It turned out that he's been looking for us to and even went to load his phone a bit, so he could call us (he thought our cellphones were working XD). Anyway, we didn't have much energy to stay and catch the end of The Prodigy show, so we just went for the bus to the train station.

And you know what? Even THAT wasn't the end of our trouble. It turned out that the train tickets we bought in Warsaw were for a train that...didn't exist. I have no idea how that happenned, but we had to buy new tickets. I wonder what would've happenned if we didn't have any money left...total disaster. But, we managed to catch a train at 6 am. Except it was full and we had to sit on its floor for 6,5 hours. Yeah.

So basically, that's how it ended. You'd think that with all these problems I'd regret going there...but in fact, even if I knew that it'd happen, I'd go anyway. Just because Kings Of Leon and Placebo made up for it. I wonder who's going to play there next year! 'Cause I'm definitely going. And I'm not taking my armband off, no way ^_^.

Oh wow, that's probably been the LONGEST post in the history of this blog...it took me a lot of time too, maybe 'cause I feel myself getting more and more sick with each minute, I even lost my voice today for around 20 minutes...scary stuff. So I'm sorry for any grammar/spelling/whatever mistakes I might've made - I know the whole thing is pretty chaotic. I am going to add pictures to the post tomorrow, right now I'm just too tired/sleepy/sick to do it. G'night!

ps: how do you like the new layout? ^_^

Updates, updates!

2009-07-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

So...is it time for an update? Haven't done one in so long, I'll make a list out of it for better organisation, I guess.

Schoolyear's over! It has been for some time now. I passed everything, then, a day later, visited my grandma in Knurów, Silesia for about a week. After one of the most boring weeks of my life (seriously!), I came back to Warsaw and started enjoying my super lazy summer.
The weather in Warsaw got all hot and summery just two days ago & I'm really glad that it did, 'cause I couldn't stand the constant rain and wind and coldness.
A. asked me to go to the last day of Open'er Festival with her, which is on Sunday. We're going to see Placebo, Kings of Leon, Lily Allen and possibly The Ting Tings. I can't waittttt!
I have been fighting with my sister for the whole day till she had to leave for her trip to Greece. Basically, we're still mad at each other and she's gone for two weeks. Yay. I really need that break from being around her.
A few days ago I attended Rachel's 18th b'day party. At first it was awkward, as she was the only person I knew there, but it got better after some time. I guess vodka helped. She introduced me to it, I don't know if it was such a great idea...I ended up chatting with some of her friends, but after that got boring, I started playing with her 3 month old kitten in the garden. At 3 am. Even under the influence of alcohol, he seemed more appealing than all these guys there. Which is pretty confusing, but I'll get into it some other time.
Coming back home from the party was even more amusing. I was supposed to sleep over at Rachel's house, but me & some other guests decided we were going to take the first bus in the morning to go home. Except, at the bus stop, it turned out that NO ONE was going my way. I ended up getting on a bus, then a tramway and then subway all alone at 4:30. Scary experience! Then I got home at 5:30, found out everyone was asleep while the door were locked from the inside. And my phone's battery was dead. And so I had to bang on my own door for about an hour. Ahahah. Still a fun night though!
Everytime I see a new update on Tegan and Sara's website, or a new Tweet from Tegan, I get more and more excited about the new record. I've heard they're going to announce its title this week! Ahhhhhh.
I'm going to work on the layout of this blog SOON, I promise. Isn't it sad that even though I spend SO much time in Photoshop, I can't find time to design a layout for my own blog? I keep on making creepy photo-manipulations. That's what I've been really into lately.
Tomorrow I'll be meeting up with my friend/crush [Is it still that? FYI, I'm trying to get over that part after the slash and just leave the one before the slash. Haha.] and buy our train tickets to Gdynia. Yeah, she's the one that I'm going to the festival with. Whoaaah. That's the part that makes me even more excited about going there. Even if that means that we'll have to return home by a night train, which will be really scary and probably dangerous. Hopefully we're gonna survive! ^_^

I guess that would be it. :3

Can I be the best friend in the universe now?

2009-06-12T01:42:00.000-07:00

The last week has been pretty strange. Stressful, that's for sure, but it also helped me see things that I never really noticed before. Good things. I don't feel like getting into details now about the stressful situations I've had, they're not actually solved out yet, but I have to say that it's probably been the first time in my life that I felt someone truly cares about me. The way that she defended me, stood by my side and cheered me up was just incredible. While I really needed this, I couldn't help the thoughts that I didn't even expect this from her. And I'm talking about my friend/crush that I wrote about a few posts earlier. I don't know what I would've done if she wasn't there for me during the past few days. While I still don't expect her wanting to be anything more than friends with me, I don't mind. If it's going to stay the way it is now, then she'll be the best friend in the universe and I hope that I can be one like that for her too. Ahhh.

survey time, part three.

2009-06-09T15:06:00.000-07:00

survey number three
no instructions in this one. pretty obvious, huh?

1. What is your nationality? Polish.
2. Do you believe in angels? I like the idea, but I don't believe they exist.
3. Can you cook? Some basic stuff, yeah. I can make some great sushi!
4. What part of your body is the most attractive? I really like my hands for some reason.
5. Name 1 thing you regret.. why? Not asking her to go with me.
6. Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes. I usually take baths though.
7. What is your sign? Aries.
8. What is your favorite t.v. show? At the moment, The L Word.
9. Are you affraid of the dark? Not really. I am afraid of mirrors in the dark though. Can't explain it.
10. Do you believe everyone has a soulmate? No, I don't think so. But I would love to have one.
11. What time do u go to bed? I'm a nightowl. It's usually around 1-2 am.
12. If you had one wish what would it be? To become an electric and acoustic guitar master in one day? Can't think of anything else atm.
13. What's the last thing you do before you go to bed? Turn off the light.
14. Do you think your psychic? Nahh.
15. Name one person that makes you smile. Miki.
16. What is your favorite clothing store? H&M?
17. Who's the last person who called you? why? Um, my mum. I called her, she didn't pick up and called me back.
18. Love or lust? Both, please.
19. What's the last thing you purchased? Lemonade. It was awful.
20. Do you like candles? Sure.
21. How many computer's do you own? There are three in my house.
22. What's your favorite room in the house? The one I share with my sister, I guess...but I don't like it that much.
23. Satin sheets or flannel? I have flannel.
24. Do you save or spend? A bit of both, I guess.
25. Are you picture happy? Depends on the time.
26. What's your favorite number? why? Seven. It's even in my nickname - Nana - it means 'seven' in Japanese. I don't know why. It's just stuck with me. I also love 11.
27. Are you happy with your name? No, not at all!
28. Have you ever called someone the wrong name? Oh wow, yes.
29. What's the first thing you do when you wake up? Hug my pillow and go back to sleep for a few minutes.
30. What does your screen name mean? Slumber Doll? Nothing really. I love to sleep in the times that I'm not supposed to. Falling into slumber.

survey time, part two.

2009-06-09T14:42:00.000-07:00

survey number two.

put your favorite music player on shuffle
fill in the names of the songs in the order they show up

My birth was like: Common Reaction (by Uh Huh Her)
To cheer myself up I: Bulid The Moon (by Charlotte Sometimes)
My friends see me as: Twisted Logic (by Coldplay)
Will I ever have kids? Want to Be Bad (by Tegan and Sara)
When I'm in the shower, I sing: Where I Stood (by Missy Higgins)
When I'm drunk I say: Now At Last (by Feist)
My last words will be: I Woke Up In A Car (by Something Corporate)
My ultimate song for dancing is: Black-Eyed (by Placebo)
At my wedding they'll play: Last Thing On Your Mind (by Lights)
My parents are like the song: Air and Kilometers (by Kaki King)
My best friend is like: 20 Years Of Snow (by Regina Spektor)
How will you die? Everyday I Love You Less and Less (by Kaiser Chiefs)
My family is described by the song: Waiting For The Monster To Drown (by Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.)
My alter-ego is: Zephyrus (by Bloc Party)
My make-out song is: Who Let You Go? (by The Killers)
This song will be playing when I meet the love of my life: Slit Your Own Throat (by The Used)
Happiness is: In My Head (by No Doubt)
My innermost desire is: Rachael (by She Wants Revenge)
My favorite thing to do is: Endlessly (by Muse)
What I did did last night was: First Orgasm (by The Dresden Dolls) LOL!
Somewhere in my wedding vows, I will include: Dreams (by High and Mighty Color)
My day will be like: Don't Confess (by Tegan and Sara)
Highschool was like: Underwater (by Tegan and Sara)
This song describes my grandparents: Two Planets (by Bat For Lashes)
The story of my life is: That Time (by Regina Spektor)

I can't believe how hilarious are some of these! Hahah.

survey time!

2009-06-08T09:11:00.001-07:00

Alright, so it's been a really tough day and I feel like doing something really stupid right now. So I think I'm gonna fill out a few surveys and stuff like that here. Just for the hell of it :3.
[oh, and even though I doubt you are, if you're reading this, feel free to steal them and repost!]

Survey number one.

List 10 celebrities you find really attractive.

Say which movie/show/thing it was that hooked you.

Supply a photo...

1.Tegan Rain Quin

Some time ago I fell in love with her and her sister's music and I became a huge huge fan of her not only as a musician but also as a person. At first I've been thinking about including them in one post, 'cause they're twins and all...but I realised that even though their look is pretty similar, they're obviously two different people and even though I find both of them super attractive, it's for remotely different reasons. Anyway. Tegan is gorgeous. Her songs are the ones that you can easily relate to and fall in love with at the first listen. I love her voice and guitar/keyboard/glockenspiel(! XD) skills and I think she's very talented. Add that to the hilarious stories she tells on stage and you'll get perfection.

2. Sara Kiersten Quin

Here, there's Sara as an individual point in the survey. I think she's stunning (face bone structure! <3). Her voice, songwriting and guitar/keyboard playing skills are insane. I also love that you have to really take some time before you learn to really "get" and love her songs. Her lyrics are usually really intense too. The other amazing thing about her is that she's SO hilarious during the stage banter and interviews, same as her sister.

3. Jared Leto

I have no idea why, but I've always found him and his voice insanely sexy. And he's a great actor, especially in "Requiem For A Dream". This movie moved me A LOT. I also love his band, 30 Seconds to Mars, they're great.

4. Kate Moennig

Shane from The L Word. How can someone not find her attractive at all? Seems impossible. I don't know what it is about her, but sometimes she looks like the sexiest woman on the planet without even trying. And she also it seems like she has a really cool personality to go with it. :3

5. Leisha Hailey

She's incredibly cute and I love her as Alice in TLW, probably my favorite character on the show. Incredibly funny and witty. Also, her band, Uh Huh Her is all kinds of awesome. And did I mention she's just gorgeous?

6. Chris Martin

Coldplay, one of my all-time favorite bands. He's really talented & I love his accent. Really handsome too. And he gets some extra points for reminding me of a younger Hugh Laurie. Or is it just me?

7. Missy Higgins
I just discovered her music recently and I love her voice. She has the cutest smile ever, an adorable accent (especially in "The River"!) and her piano skills are great. And she's really, really cute.

8. Freja Beha Erichsen

Saw some pictures of her on the net and thought she was stunning. The bone structure on her face is breathtaking *o*. And I love the way she looks with shorter hair.

9. Johnny Depp

It's a pretty similar one to the one with Kate, who doesn't find him attractive? He's the best actor in the world too. I loved him as Jack Sparrow, as Sweeney Todd, as Willy Wonka...basically, I loved him in every movie I've seen him in. He's a legend to me.

10. Kim Stolz

A contestant in ANTM's cycle five turned MTV news correspondent. She's changed her look a LOT in the past few years, but I still think she's gorgeous. And I stole this picture from her Twitter, haha. & according to it, it's her b'day today. Aw :3.

Andddd this is it. I ran out of space, could have included many more. Oh well :3.

updateeeeee

2009-06-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, some updates.

I got my haircut. It's pretty short, layered and I think it looks good. I might modify it a bit more soon, making it shorter on one side and possibly in the back too. I think I'm gonna wait and get used to it some more first.
There's no fucking progress as for that liking someone stuff. Uhh. Whatever.
I've been having really weird dreams lately. Like, the whole school picketing outside my house, or running into R. in my bathroom. What the hell?! Creepy.
I'm REALLY excited about the new Tegan and Sara record. And I love all the updates they give on their site everyday. All these pictures are so gorgeous! I want to stick 'em all on my bedroom's wall. Which I did with two of them, added to my wall collage. I should work on that collage btw, it's still so small!
I passed history and chemistry and am still waiting for the results on physics and biology. Nervousssssssss.
I need to save up for a new iPod Classic. Mine crashed. It was old, but I loved it and I can't fit everything I want onto my iPhone, which is only 8gb. My iPod was 80gb! Compare.
I'm addicted to Rachael Cantu's "Thieves and Their Hands". It hasn't been released yet, but this guy on .ca cut out her performance with it on "This Just Out" and made a mp3 for me. Yay <3.
I'm craving a Bounty bar. *o*

Another pointless post by a coward unable to decide about anything.

2009-05-30T06:34:00.000-07:00

Bad weather brings me down. This was my first thought today when I woke up at 10, looked outside the window and saw these wet streets, trees bending under the heavy wind and people walking around with umbrellas. Then I remembered it's Saturday, layed down on my bed again and fell asleep for another two hours.
The last week has been a weird mixture of a lot of studying, meeting people, walking around the city, fighting with my family and even more studying. The school's ending soon and my situation in biology, physics and history isn't that nice. It's so frustrating, 'cause I have studied so hard and it seems like it's just not enough.
But I don't feel like writing about this. I just realised how freakin' antisocial I am. There's this someone that I really like, but I just don't know what to do to get closer to her. I won't lie that I don't feel attracted to her at all, 'cause sometimes I feel like I do, alot actually, but being just friends with her would be perfectly fine for me. We talk a lot during the schoolbreaks and such, sometimes we IM each other too (or maybe it's just me IMing her, and her responding? ._.), but I still feel so distant . I wish we could just, I don't know, meet up after classes sometime. Just hang out, or something. But on the other hand, I don't know she would feel about that, especially since I came out to her not a long time ago. I'm kind of scared of destroying the situation between us, since it's not THAT bad now. I'm afraid to make moves. Maybe I should just stay in the place I am? And just keep wondering, what would happen if I did something...
I'm like that with most stuff lately. It's not just relationshiTs with people, but also little things like...changing my hair. I really want to get a haircut, I kind of have an idea for it, but I'm afraid I'll look stupid and regret it. 'Cause it's not that I don't like my hair. I do, but I also really like that haircut. Decisions, decisions...I'm such a coward when it comes to taking risks.

All these questions....

2009-05-11T07:22:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, my father came back from his one month long holidays in Norway. For this one month, he took away our laptop, our Nikon and our car plus spent a shitload of money just on himself and his friends, not thinking about four other people in his family, sitting at home and saving up on everything they can. Anyway, he's back now and the relations between us are just horrible. I don't know if it's just his awful personality, or if he's just getting more and more idiotic with age (I know, it sounds bad when I'm saying this about my own father...but I can't help thinking that way while watching the stuff he does...)...I'm not sure. Add obsessive alcohol drinking to that and you'll get a complete disaster. Ever since he came home, there hasn't been a day without a fight between us. And I can't hold back the thoughts that I'm going to be legal here in just a year. I know that I won't move out before I finish high school (It's at 19 here.), but what after I do finish it? It's so hard to live in my house nowadays and it's not only because of him, but also of the fact that I have to share a room with my younger sister whos personality is basically an opposite of mine. We have been sharing this room for our whole lives, but we've both changed a lot through the past year or two and it's getting tougher each day.
But the point of this is that I don't really know what I'm going to do after high school. No perspective at all. I know that I want to study, preferably in a different, preferably english-speaking, country. And that I want to move out of this house (which would automatically happen while going to study in a different country...but if that doesn't work out, I don't want to stay here anyway). The thing is that I don't even know what I would want to study. Or how that would work out, how much money would it cost to study in some other country, how can I get there? My mind's a mess when I start thinking about my future. I want to prepare for a new chapter in my life and I want it to be better than this, disastrous one. What should I do?

Is the tape strong enough to survive through the night and still work tomorrow?

2009-05-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

Sooooo...after nearly 6 hours on a bus filled with old people, I got back home from Toruń. Finally? I don't know, the visit turned out to be pretty nice, even though we ended up not knowing what to do with ourselves at times. Me and Miki watched a lot of movies, almost every one of them resulting in one of us falling asleep in the middle of it. Anyway, we managed to watch The Uninvited (LOVED IT!), Meet the Spartans (fell asleep in the middle of it, but watched the part I missed morning after :3; it was okay, I guess...), My Best Friend's Girl and 11 episodes of Gossip Girl (we got through 8 of them last night!). Overall, I'm super glad I went there, hopefully we'll meet again in the summer, this time with her coming over to Warsaw :D. I left my UFO plushie at her house after all...it was a total accident, but it might make a pretty nice excuse for her to come over this time ;3.
And I feel a lot better too. Even though I'm back at my lonely place, I kinda feel relieved, I don't exactly know why, but...maybe it's because I kind of made sure that I HAVE a friend there, even though she lives so far away? That there actually is someone that cares about me and is not sick of me, even after spending these 5 days with me (yeah, I texted her from the bus and she said that she's not...that's when the relief came :3). We have a few pretty good inside jokes now too.
As much as I don't want to come back to reality, the one that involves a lot of studying and being that lonely person again, I guess I have to do that for the last almost 2 months of school. Then there comes the summer. I'm really hoping for a change coming with it. I'll work on it! As for tonight though, the tape on my heart is still holding. I wonder if it's still going to work tomorrow morning...

N as a screenwriter?

2009-04-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

I kind of made a step towards making this blog more viewer-friendly. Created a link to comment after each post. I doubt anyone will leave comments, but...yeah, it seems right this way.
Anyway. I just finished writing this stupid composition for my English Classes. It was a short story which had to end with words "better late than never". It's just as stupid as it sounds and the thing came out sounding like a country music video scenario. Hey, maybe that's my future carreeer?!
Tomorrow I'm visiting Miki. I'm still really scared, but it's better than yesterday, I think. We texted a lot today. And I still haven't finished the mix cd! I'm a lazy cow.
So yeah, I guess it would be it for today. Shallow, I know. Oh, did I mention that I totally failed the maths test I had today? Spent nearly 5 hours studying for it and I failedddddddd. I'm going to work on the booklet pages in Photoshop now. Bye bloggy :3.

Damn your moodswings.

2009-04-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

It's 23:31 and I'm sitting in my dark room with this rush of sadness that I started feeling a few moments ago. I don't know what's happening to me lately, I can get from angry, to content, to happy, to hype and to sad just in a few minutes. It's all a circle. These little things happen, little people say words and act in specific ways that just affect me way to much. I get so scared that I'll ruin things and get even lonelier. I don't know if certain people even want to be around me. I don't know if I'm too loud, or too quiet, if I talk too much, or if I should talk more. So confused by all the reactions. I guess I'm just anti-social.
I'm even more terrified of the fact that I'm going to visit Miki for the first time in two days. It's not that I don't want to visit her, I REALLY do, but I'm scared that I'll start behaving in a weird way, say awkward things and she'll start seeing me in a different way. That she'll see the real life me and won't like the person she sees. That I'll lose her, one of, if not the only real friend I ever had, because of that.
Right now I'm making a mix cd for her. I'm putting some old stuff we both love there and some new songs that I think she might get addicted to just as I am. I've been working on the graphic booklet for it for quite a long time and honestly, I don't like it. I took a bad direction, including all the lyrics on each page. Should have made it just a single quote, or a chorus. I don't know if I'll manage to do it on time...ehhh. I guess I'll get to work already instead of writing this pointless note. Since all I wanted to write was really that Sara was right in the Monday x3 lyrics. The best idea ever is just to "damn your moodswings" and get yourself together. Please, please, please do ittttt.

Montreal, dreams and SKQ.

2009-04-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I had this really long dream. In some way it involved around two/three weeks. In the dream I was 19 and just moved to Montreal. I found this nice little apartament located next to a park and started working as a graphic designer for some recording company.
The dream started when I've been living there for a week already and I was on the subway, going back home from work. I was sitting there watching people around me and then this girl sat next to me...and it was Sara K. Quin. I was so shocked I thought I wasn't breathing, but after a while I got this sudden rush of confidence and decided to start a conversation. So I introduced myself and we talked about some random things...I told her that I just moved there from Warsaw. She said that my English is really good and that it doesn't sound like it's my second language.
After a while I found out that she was going home as well and that she lived near to the same exact station as me. We got out of the subway together and the next thing I knew was finding out that I'm actually her new neighbour. The next two and a half weeks revolved around getting to know her, the city and getting used to my new life. And as unreal as it sounds, I remember it all with so many details and little conversations I've been having in the dream, that I actually thought that it was really happening for a minute. I'm not going to get into all these details, as I could probably write a whole novel about that dream, but I woke up dissapointed and creeped out that my dream involved having a relationship with a famous musician I've never met. And kind of wishing that at 19 I would have a life at least remotely close to the one I had there. Maybe without the Sara part, even though honestly - I wouldn't mind that, haha. But being serious again, I remember this bit of the dream when I woke up in the bed of my Montreal apartament, looked around and actually felt proud of my life. That's the feeling I want to experience someday.

Keep your floorplans locked in your mind.

2009-04-26T14:58:00.000-07:00

This evening has taught me one thing - sometimes letting others know about your thoughts isn't the best idea. Sometimes you should just keep them in your mind, even though they're screaming to be written down/spoken out. Lock your floorplan somewhere no one can see it.
A few days ago, me and one of my best friends started talking to each other again. He's always been one of the few people that I thought understood me pretty well and always managed to make me laugh. Some time ago I lost that feeling in our conversations and soon after we got into a fight which resulted in a pretty long silence between us. But a few days ago the silence broke and I thought that everything was going well again...until today. We were talking about some random stuff that was happening in our lives. But it felt like talking to some...I don't know, robot? Definitely not the same person I used to be so close to. I didn't say anything about it, 'cause the last thing I wanted was another fight with him, so I sent a twitter update saying... "It's sad how he's not able to understand me anymore...we used to be so alike when it came to sense of humour and all..now it's just awkward." . And the next thing I know is him writing, in this robotic manner similar to our whole convo, something like 'I hope that you do well in life. Goodbye'.
At this point I was just psyched out/pissed at myself/....wait, I had no idea what to feel like. I don't know if I offended him because I wrote it on Twitter and not to him, or because I couldn't accept the fact that he's changed...I don't know what to think anymore. I just know that I should have kept my hands off my keyboard and should have locked my thoughts inside my mind. Maybe floorplans aren't the best things to do at times? I always thought that expressing myself is one of the most important things in life... I don't know if it's worth it. Mixed feelings. Did I just lose him forever, was he captured by some aliens or is he going to come back to being himself again? If he does come back, but still in his robotic way, will I be able to accept him?

Floorplans.

2009-04-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

"I want to draw you a floorplan
Of my head and heart
I want to give directions , helpful hints"

Today, I woke up with a sudden need to write down my thoughts. I've never been good at keeping diaries or blogs, all of the ones I ever had were abandoned by me at some point. But still, I decided to create a new one, which is why I'm writing this little paragraph.
Anyway. My name's Ewa, I'm seventeen years old and I live in an amazingly boring city - Warsaw, which is the capital of Poland. This should do as for describing who I am for now.
This blog was meant to be called 'floorplan' originally, after a song by Tegan and Sara (which is my favorite band!) with a same title, but the name was taken. That little failure didn't stop me from including a quote from it at the beginning of the post that pretty much describes what I'm like lately. This missunderstood girl with a need to explain herself to people around her.
For the most time in my life I was the opposite when it came to that matter, but as I look at it now, that might be one of the reasons why I became such a loner. I had some friends, but none of them were ever close enough to me to fully understand who I am. Being as extrovertic as I am, it's hard to break down the walls that I bulit around me through all these seventeen years. But yeah, I think I'm trying. Drawing floorplans of my head and heart, hopefully someone will understand them one day.